For many of us, the pain we carry around for years lies at the feet . . . → Read More: Getting Past Childhood Pain]]> “Time is a great healer.” There’s no denying that’s often the case, but not always. And it may seem like little consolation when you’re caught in a constant cycle of pain, anger and hatred that’s rooted in painful experiences of your childhood.

For many of us, the pain we carry around for years lies at the feet of our parents. These adults who were supposed to care for us unconditionally, protect us and nurture us were instead abusive — emotionally, mentally or physically. These early experiences can damage you in a variety of ways, for instance causing you to be less confident or less likely to experience happiness or contentment.

You’ve probably even noticed by now that your childhood has played a part in destroying your relationships; maybe you’ve been unable to commit to someone, you’re never satisfied, or you’ve become abusive yourself. No, clearly time isn’t always a great healer; instead, it can start you on a long, slow descent into self pity and self destruction.

In some cases, time needs a bit of help from…let’s call them “assistants”… such as a desire to have a loving, fulfilling relationship, determination to achieve something great or a burning desire to stop hurting and find some sense of peace. When these desires overwhelm the comfort level you’ve found in resenting or blaming your parents, you’re ready to start the long journey towards healing and moving on.

5 Steps for Getting Past Childhood Pain

1. Redefine Your Parents
Forgiving your parents is a difficult path, so simply telling you to “forgive them” is as useful as telling you to “just get over it.” For one thing, parents rarely change and you may still be experiencing their abusive or disappointing behavior. Instead, I suggest trying to redefine your parents.

As we grow older, we often do not see our parents the same way we did when they were young. Try to see your parents as just “people” with flaws, insecurities and weaknesses they never dealt with on their own. You may even see them as just overgrown children who didn’t — or still don’t — know any better. Redefining your parent helps to defuse the volatile emotions you have and may even eventually lead to forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness helps to heal your pain; it’s not about changing your parents. Sometimes going to a psychotherapist in Santa Monica or having a telephone session can be most helpful.

2. Get Past Helplessness
As a child, you were often helpless at the hands of your parents. But you are no longer a child. So it follows that you are no longer helpless. When you become an adult you have many more choices than you did as child. For instance, you can choose how to view the way your parents treated you, the type of relationship you have with your parents today and most of all, you can choose to commit to healing. If you’re finding it difficult to stop feeling helpless or to resolve your childhood pain, you can choose to seek help from a counselor or psychologist. When you have choices, you are never helpless.

3. Accept and Appreciate Who You Are
Your experiences helped to shape who you are today. Don’t dismiss that too quickly as a silly platitude: It’s true and it’s powerful. Acceptance and appreciation of who you are today — and all that you experienced to become you — is essential to healing and growing. Your self-esteem is your greatest asset. You may say to yourself, “the person I am today is full of pain, anger and disappointment.” But if you’re being completely honest, that’s not all you are.

How do I know? For one thing, I have yet to meet anyone who has never accomplished something in their lives of which they can be proud. Also, the fact that you are reading this shows you want to heal and grow, so you’re not just full of pain, anger and disappointment.

4. Create the Life You Long For
If your childhood pain has prevented you from finding the love, career and lifestyle you want, take one small step towards achieving these goals daily. It could be something as simple as registering with a dating agency, signing up for a night class after work or opening a savings account to pay for that dream vacation you’ve always wanted. Focusing on creating the life you’ve always wanted redirects a lot of that energy you’ve been wasting on blaming your parents and feeling sorry for yourself.

5. Give Yourself Time
And we’re back to our old friend “time.” Meaningful personal change doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time to change your beliefs, resist old impulses and triggers and create new behaviors. But rest assured with practice and patience, you will eventually put your childhood pain behind you.

Empowering Activity
With a ruler divide a sheet of paper in half vertically. In the first half list all the Pros of holding on to your childhood pain; in the other half list all the Cons. You should find this tried-and-true activity quite revealing and motivational.

The truth is that while . . . → Read More: What Destroys a Relationship?]]> At some point many couples reach a point when passion fades, communication fizzles and sex becomes a distant memory. Instead, arguments, lack of emotional support and increasing distance become your daily reality. If you’ve reached this stage in your relationship, you probably cannot even pinpoint when or why it took this turn.

The truth is that while factors such as financial difficulty, different expectations and sexual incompatibility can all play a role in a crumbling relationship, the real Achilles heel for most couples is poor communication and conflict resolution skills. Conflict is a given in your relationship, but it’s how you handle it that’s really important, according to John Gottman, a researcher who has studied the dynamics of why marriages succeed or fail.

Signs You’re in Trouble

• Criticism. You’ve probably heard that making “I” statements is crucial when it comes to handling conflict. But if you or your partner tend to make statements such as “You never do anything right,” or “you never listen to me,” you’re doing the equivalent of waving a red flag in front of a bull. Turning those “you” statements into “I” statements take the sting of criticism out of discussion and instead help your partner to think about how you’re being affected. The first approach pushes your partner away and can lead to contempt of each other; the second, healthier approach brings you closer and keeps your love and respect front and center.

• Defensiveness. You know when you’re about to be defensive: Your jaws clench, your back and neck become rigid, your stomach tense and you suddenly become deaf to anything your partner has to say. You slip into denial, make excuses or launch accusations at your partner. It’s a natural reaction to feeling attacked, belittled or even to simply having the plain, simple truth laid at your feet. Resisting the urge to become defensive gets easier when your partner isn’t laying on the criticism and instead is using those bond-enhancing “I” statements. But even in the face of criticism you can, you can resist becoming defensive by simply listening and trying to empathize with your partner. If you’re not sure about the point he or she is trying to make, ask questions in a non-judgmental way.

• Stonewalling. If you tend to zone out and not respond to your partner, you’re stonewalling, which is an extension of being defensive. We all do it occasionally, but you put your relationship in jeopardy when this becomes your key way of handling conflict. Stonewalling is an attempt to shut your partner down and sends the message that you don’t care. It doesn’t only prevent your partner from getting through to you; it’s a way of encouraging him or her not to bother to try in the future. Communication dwindles, conflicts do not get resolved and resentment and hostility build.

What to Do Before It’s Too Late

1. Ask yourself if you care enough about your relationship to invest the time and effort in changing the way you handle conflict. This is because it will take time, especially if you’ve been failing at conflict resolution for some time.

2. Get in touch with your feelings for your partner. In the day-to-day bustle of life, it’s easy to forget the emotions and feelings that brought you together. Also, for some strange reason, bad things in life tend to overshadow the good things — and not just in relationships. Summon your inner optimist and try to focus on all the benefits and beauty of your union on a daily basis.

3. Seek counseling. Speaking to an objective third party, such as a psychotherapist in Los Angeles or marital counselor in Los Angeles can heal the rift between you and your partner more quickly. Your psychologist can also help you to identify where your conflict resolution skills are breaking down and what you can do to improve them.

Empowering Question: How did I feel and respond during the last conflict I had with my partner and what small thing can I do to improve my reaction next time?


Jealousy triggers a series of behaviors that can push your partner away and lower her respect for you. Although it’s quite common for . . . → Read More: Jealousy and Possessiveness]]> The jury is out on whether men or women tend to be more jealous in relationships. But regardless of who deserves the nod, jealousy can be a destructive force in an otherwise good relationship.

Jealousy triggers a series of behaviors that can push your partner away and lower her respect for you. Although it’s quite common for most people to feel a smidge of jealousy from time to time, you need to be mindful of when you’re insecurity and possessiveness is out of control. Not only will your partner appreciate you reining in your jealousy, but you will too as you begin to feel free of the fear of not fulfilling your partner, or of losing him.

What Triggers Jealousy

1. Insecurity. Strong, confident people are better able to trust their partners. They’re also confident enough to let go of a relationship if their partners are being unfaithful.

2. Previous rejections. Whether it’s being overlooked as a child when another sibling was the favorite, or you’ve been cheated on before, not taking the time to resolve previous events that you interpreted as rejection can increase your tendency to be jealous and possessive.

3. Control issues. Being controlling stems in part from the expectations you have about how your life should be. When you don’t feel your partner is being attentive enough to you, or you’d prefer he spend more time with you and less with his friends, it may trigger fear or emotional pain. In turn, you feel jealous and respond by trying to control your partner’s behavior to get it back in line with your image of how things should be. Some of the responses you or your partner may use include anger, guilt and rejection or punishment, such as withholding intimacy.

4. An unfulfilling personal life. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t have to have your own passions and pursuits. You and your partner cannot be together all the time — it’s true, sometimes space is good and gives your relationship room to grow. But, if your partner has his own interests and friends and you don’t, jealousy can arise.

Overcoming Jealousy

Once you get into the habit of questioning your partner about their activities, worrying about what she’s up to when she’s not with you or even checking e-mails and voicemails, your jealousy and possessiveness is getting out of control.

• First, check to make sure that it isn’t one of the triggers of jealousy — such as memories of a previous betrayal — that’s really playing up, rather than the possibility of your partner playing away.

• If you suspect that unresolved emotions, low self-esteem or control issues are to blame, consider seeking therapy with a psychologist or Los Angeles counselor.

• Build an interesting and rewarding life as an individual. Having your own interests builds self-esteem, improves your mental and emotional outlook and gives you less time to obsess about your partner’s activities when you’re not together.

• If you have valid suspicions about your partner’s behavior — such as strange phone calls or hang-ups, unexplained expenses on credit card bills, or sudden late nights at the office — confront her directly. Don’t play games, withhold love or affection, or instigate petty arguments or fights that have nothing to do with your concerns.

Handling the situation in a straightforward manner enables you to get it resolved sooner rather than later, which can drag out the emotional pain and distress. It also increases your self-esteem and self respect as you come to realize that making yourself miserable with jealousy and possessiveness is much worse than losing your partner in the long run.

Empowering Question
What are my key triggers for jealousy and what three things can I do to overcome them?

Let’s face it: Conflict is a way of life. It’s all around us in romantic relationships, business partnerships and these days most obviously on a national level in places like Egypt, Tunisia and right here in our own backyard. Differences and disagreements are a natural part of life, but ineffective coping skills cause you . . . → Read More: Coping with Conflict]]>

Let’s face it: Conflict is a way of life. It’s all around us in romantic relationships, business partnerships and these days most obviously on a national level in places like Egypt, Tunisia and right here in our own backyard. Differences and disagreements are a natural part of life, but ineffective coping skills cause you to deal with those disagreements in hurtful ways that eat away at your relationship. While individual counseling or marital counseling can help, there are a few tried-and-true methods you can use to nip nastiness in the bud.

Don’t Invalidate Feelings
This is a common sin for men, belittling or dismissing how a woman feels, points out John Gray, author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” However, any of us can be guilty of it on any given day. Maybe you’re distracted by things you need to accomplish or you’re in a bad mood. In some cases, you may just not be able to relate or empathize with how your partner feels. The end result is that you make an insensitive remark that leads to the mother of all wars. In these situations, it’s best to just listen, be a sounding board for your partner. Asking more questions based on what your partner has already said might help you to understand your partner’s feelings, or at the very least, let her know you’re listening.

Stop Holding Grudges
At its core, holding a grudge is simply not forgiving your partner for some real or imagined wrongdoing. Even when you love someone, forgiving and forgetting doesn’t necessarily come easily. A lack of forgiveness prolongs conflict and causes you to continue blaming your partner and making them a target for your disappointment, frustration or rage. Holding a grudge also takes a lot of energy that you could otherwise be devoting to improving your relationship and nurturing your partner so he gives back to you in kind.

To get rid of grudges, think about what it’s costing you to hold on to it. Communicate with your partner about how you feel about what has happened without using blaming words or inflammatory language. Think of your part in what has occurred to cause the grudge and then both of you should find solutions to prevent the action or behavior from occurring in the future so there’s some finality. After all, it’s much harder to forgive wrongdoing if it continues to happen. Also, practice forgetting; sounds strange, but it is possible. Simply commit to blocking out the wrongdoing whenever it pops into your head.

Stop Taking things Personally
It may come as a surprise, but it’s not always about you. For instance, your partner has a bad day at work, makes an off-the-cuff or thoughtless remark. You believe it was intended to hurt or blame you and you fly into a rage. With those closest to us, we let our guards down and feel comfortable saying things we’d never say to a stranger. The flip side is that we’re also allowed more room to pry in order to figure out what’s going on with a loved one. Asking questions in a calm, reasonable manner is a much better approach than flying off the handle or sulking. Once you know more about what’s happened, you’ll be in a better position to respond. If your partner isn’t up for a chat at that moment, simply let her know you’ll be there to listen when she’s ready to talk. Prodding when she’s not ready can escalate the situation.

If your relationship has suffered from years of poor conflict resolution, it will be difficult to turn things around on your own. A psychologist or relationship counselor can help you and your partner get to the root of your conflicts and to build skills to resolve conflicts more amicably. Counseling can also help you develop more confidence so you’re less likely to take disagreements personally and to act out in a passive-aggressive manner.

So, you’ve reached the end of another year and you might be wondering what you have to show for it. What happened to all those plans you boldly made on January 1st? When you reflect, you may feel you were totally committed to meeting them. You kept your goals realistic and broke them . . . → Read More: Mastering Time to Meet Your Goals]]>              

So, you’ve reached the end of another year and you might be wondering what you have to show for it. What happened to all those plans you boldly made on January 1st? When you reflect, you may feel you were totally committed to meeting them. You kept your goals realistic and broke them down into actionable steps. Somewhere along the way, they drifted away. Right?

Maybe not. Most likely, excuses such as not having enough time, your family needing you or putting in extra hours to avoid being laid off during the recession became the reason for your goals slipping away. In essence, they fell victim to your inability to master time. Every year, thousands of people seek out help from a life coach, counselor or other professionals to help them manage their time. Clearly, it’s a common struggle and one that interferes with you meeting your goals and that is often misinterpreted.

As Roger and Rebecca Merrill point out in their groundbreaking book “Life Matters,” most people believe they can enjoy a balanced home or family life, or be successful at work — but not both. However, they don’t buy it. And, as co-founder of the Covey Leadership Center, Roger knows a thing or two about what he’s selling. The duo recommends viewing life as a dynamic equilibrium between work, family, money — and time. They’re all rewarding, interrelated parts you cannot neglect.

Because we cannot see, smell or touch time, we often don’t pay enough attention to it and take it for granted. Maybe you’re quick to promise yourself to catch your child’s next Little League game, take your loved one out on a romantic night, or to update your resume to you’re your dream job. Or, you spend more time focusing on the things that don’t matter as much instead of pursuing those that do. Either approach has left you feeling like you’re not where you want to be as yet another year comes to a close.

Mastering Time to Meet Your Goals Next Year
“Today’s a gift — that’s why it’s called “the present.” ~ “Life Matters.”

Like most people living in a time-crunched society, you’re probably familiar with some time-management techniques such as delegation or saying “no.” However, the Merrills believe that mastering time goes beyond these to, instead, principles of personal leadership that really empower you to identify priorities and act on them.

• Explore your expectations of time. If you spend a lot of time feeling frustrated — especially about not meeting your personal or other goals — it’s likely due to your expectations, explain Roger and Rebecca.

Resolution: Change your expectation or become more efficient and effective at whatever you do.

• Rethink what you consider important. Sadly, there really are only 24 hours in a day. However, keep in mind that people like Richard Branson — who is not just one of the world’s most successful entrepreneurs, but who genuinely embraces life — also have only 24 hours to work with.

Resolution: Create a personal mission statement that includes your all your roles, such as parent, spouse, job position, child and volunteer. Each week, ask yourself what are the two most important things you can do in each role that week, advises Roger and Rebecca. If necessary, consult a psychologist or life coach to assist you with life planning and creating your mission statement based on your interests.

• Change your routine to meet your goals. It’s an inescapable fact: Every person who creates and meets their goals knows exactly where their time goes. That’s why year after year, calendars, journals and Blackberries sell in the millions.

Resolution: Track your time, taking into consideration the amount of time you’re spending on your priorities versus time stealers such as watching TV, sifting through e-mails, taking extended lunches or breaks, or smoking. To prevent tedium that may arise if you track your time hour after hour, pencil in blocks of time each week for your priorities.

• Really consider what’s in it for you. Why should a reward system be promoted only at your workplace. It’s easy for you to adapt this motivational method for meeting goals in your personal life. Besides motivating you, a reward system also holds you accountable.

Resolution: Write down at least three really meaningful rewards you would like to have if you meet your goals. Place them somewhere visible, such as over your office desk or on your fridge. Remember, you’re on the honor system; you only get the rewards once you meet your goal.

Empowering Questions

• What was my biggest time waster this year?
• What are two or three methods I can use to avoid making the same mistake next year?

Picture the scene: You’ve taken your loved one out for a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at a restaurant with just the right ambience and a sumptuous menu and you’ve even planned a surprise for right around dessert time. But, in between the appetizers and main course, you realize you are surrounded by a dozen couples barely . . . → Read More: 3 Secrets to Lasting Relationships]]>                         

Picture the scene: You’ve taken your loved one out for a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at a restaurant with just the right ambience and a sumptuous menu and you’ve even planned a surprise for right around dessert time. But, in between the appetizers and main course, you realize you are surrounded by a dozen couples barely exchanging a word to each other. His gaze is fixated on his plate and she’s gazing off into the distance. The silence between them is deafening. So you vow never to let that happen to you and your beloved. But, would you know where to start to keep the love and passion for each other alive? Give these strategies a try.

1. Stop Having to Be Right
There’s an old saying: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” Think of all the times when you engaged in arguments with your partner simply because neither of you wanted to back down. The desire to be right overtook your love, respect and compassion for each other. There are all kinds of reasons that may be responsible for your need to play know-it-all. Maybe you had an older sibling who derided your opinions, you saw one or both of your parents do it, or you were bullied at school and vowed to never let anyone get the better of you again. The first thing you need to realize is that your partner is none of those people who made you feel small or inadequate (if that’s the case in your relationship, being right in an argument is the least of your troubles). Keep in mind that if you are busy trying to be right all the time, you’re missing out on some prime opportunities to learn how your partner thinks or feels and what you might be able to do to keep him or her happy. Also, accepting that you can be wrong on occasion makes you more approachable when your partner really needs a shoulder and support.

2. Accept that You Might Have Different Needs
It’s no surprise that John Gray’s “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” was a bestseller. Suddenly, millions of spouses, partners and singles on the dating scene got insight into some of the most mundane issues that keep the sexes from having lasting relationships. For instance, Gray points out that in relationships, women crave caring, understanding, and devotion while men seek trust, acceptance, admiration, and encouragement. Instead of criticizing or belittling your differing needs, understand that on some level, they are primal. Raging against them is tantamount to trying to stop a mother from being protective of her young or arguing with the law of gravity. Cater to your partner’s needs and marvel in how you’re different. With a better understanding and acceptance of each other’s needs, you stand a better chance of growing together as opposed to drifting apart.

3. Keep Expectations Realistic
Unrealistic expectations or delusions about how relationships or love “should be” can eat away at once healthy relationships. Too often I see clients looking to their partner for the love and acceptance they never got while growing up. They may carry the false belief that their partner should somehow make their life feel “complete” or make them happy without sufficient effort on their own part. Being in love with someone also doesn’t mean you have to be together all the time. Spending time immersed in your own passions and interests helps you to grow as people and to have richer, more fulfilling lives as individuals. Living under the same roof doesn’t make either of you mind-readers, so don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. Carrying around unrealistic expectations puts your relationship under a heavy, dark cloud — one that’s always at risk of bursting when minor misunderstandings or mishaps occur. These expectations also lead to suppressed rage, anger and a lack of forgiveness. One way to not let them ruin your relationship is to be as open and honest as possible in the early stages of your romance. Also, expectations change during a relationship, so keep sharing them with your partner and learn to find middle ground or to prioritize them.

If you’ve already tried some of these strategies in your relationship, but with little improvement, consulting with a marriage counselor or relationship expert may be beneficial. Inviting the insight of a detached third party is better than risking becoming a detached couple, just like the ones in the restaurant on what is supposed to be the most romantic night of the year.